I started this blog up to get myself more disciplined about working on my writing (so many cool writing blogs with fun ideas, so much motivation!). In so many ways that's a very funny statement. Although I adored reading once I figured out ABC was more than just a Jackson 5 song, although since for as long as I can remember I enjoyed making up funny stories in my head to pass the time, I never really saw myself as a writer or as even much of a creative person until later in life.
You see, the way the school system I went through was set up, there were certain tracks. I test ridiculously well and got dropped on the math and science track. To say I was good at both subjects would be something of an understatement. But somehow it became all that I was. My identity as Math and Science Goddess was pretty much set in stone and any deviation from that role wasn't taken well. There were no opportunities for me to take art classes of any kind at all in high school and I was strongly discouraged by my peers (and sometimes even my teachers) to branch out in any way. I was told stick to science and math, forget writing. It not only undermined any confidence I had in attempting anything artistic, it made me horrifically arrogant about my math and science aptitude. After all, this was all that I was, could ever be - without that identity, who the heck was I? (Oh gods, there's another story I could tell to go along with that, but I'll save that for another time)
Yes, it is extremely embarrassing that a song from High School
Musical of all things pretty much captures all the blow back I faced.
So acting on any artistic impulses as an adult required a huge leap of faith. Funnily enough, that was one of the big catalysts that helped me take that leap - finding my spiritual identity as a Pagan. I'll spare you all the boring details, but somewhere in my 30's I got a little braver. I sang. I drew. I danced. Writing was the last frontier. I love words. I love stories. Always have. But it's hard to see myself as a semi-competent writer even after all this time.
I have no great success stories to share. I do have to say I owe a lot to my husband, who always believes in me, and one of my dear friends Absinthe, who is always an enthusiastic test reader. I also need to give a shout out to Magaly Guerrero, who's writing talents I am in awe of and who honors me with her encouragement to keep at it.
If my hubby, Absinthe and Magaly think there might be some decent stories and ideas rattling around my brain, well, I'll be brave and give this a try. Right now I'm just writing to please myself, no heavy expectations or delusions, all the arrogance that accompanied my math and science skills shed like dead skin. I'm trying to focus on having fun with words, on finding those elusive words that really capture what it is I'm trying to express. Yes, I'm very insecure about my ability to adequately express myself. But I also know that I tell my kids that you have to be willing to stink for a bit before you get any good at something. Here's to stinking up the joint, at least for a small while, while I find my voice.