My No Is. (I Am Just Like Everyone Else)

My no is
both scythe and scalpel,
cutting away diseased and dead bits
to make room for healing and growth.

My no is a sign
showing where respect ends
and disrespect starts, saying, 
"Cross at your own risk."

My no is a test
designed to offend only those
who think anything less than 
my complete and uncomplaining compliance
challenges their self-worth.

My no is not the reason 
this bridge is burning.

You brought the matches and the gasoline
only after I said, "Stop."



Liner Notes for This Groove: For my birthday, I decided to gift myself with setting a boundary that was long overdue. A friend had been taking advantage of my generosity for years, demanding I do a time intensive task for him regularly. Very recently he acted in a way that was highly disrespectful and minimizing of the work I did. I decided to tell him that I could no longer do it, and encouraged him to find someone with more patience time. 

I'd like to say I was surprised his response was to play the victim and end the friendship, but I long suspected I was only valued for what I could do. There is however a wonderful sense of relief I'm relishing. As I said, this happened on my birthday. And I was with family and friends who affirmed what good relationships look like (LOL, I owe a few of them a call back). 

As for the boundary breaker, I wish him well and hope he finds enough emotional maturity to honestly deal with why so many of his relationships go south. But he's not my problem anymore. Oh well, more cake for those I care about and those who care about me. 


 


32 comments:

  1. Good for you, Rommy -- enjoy your wonderful sense of relief!

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  2. It's always so hard to finally see a person's true (and terrible) colors. And, since it has happened to me too, I know that it hurts quite a bit. Even when we know it's happening for the best. Thank goodness for the fact that things do get better.

    Love the poem. One everyone should read.

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    1. Funnily enough, it really isn't hurting too bad. I suppose if I hadn't anticipated the response, it would have. The main feeling I have now is enthusiasm for the big blocks of time I get back to do more things with people who value me and my time.

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  3. Happy Happy Belated Birthday to you, Rommy! Well done, I say .. well done.

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    1. Thank you, Helen. The sad thing is it really didn't need to be like this. If he respected my time and boundaries in the first place, it wouldn't have come to this.

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  4. So many of us need decades of birthdays before being able to no. That combination of people pleasing and fear of losing someone who matters while wanting to be helpful can turn into an toxic brew.

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    1. The people pleasing part is so insidious! Though I can think of a number of times when people in my life said, hey I can no longer do x, y, or z for various reasons and I of course respected that. How hard is it to respect a simple boundary?

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  5. What a great birthday present to yourself, Rommy!

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    1. Thank you anonymous. Yeah, it wasn't easy and I dreaded doing it because I *knew* the response I would get. But the disrespect of my time and effort was just too much too much to leave unaddressed.

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    2. Dear Rommy, this was me, lol. Only just noticed it didn't go though with my name.

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    3. I was wondering if that was you! :D

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  6. It's good to set boundaries. If person ever was a friend, person will be one again.

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    1. Nope. Not this time. I've been patient for years with the low-key emotional manipulation and when he said he didn't want to be friends with me anymore if I didn't continue doing this intense labor , that told me he valued the free labor I gave more than anything else about me.

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  7. Excellent. I love the last two lines. That's how you do it!

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  8. My no is not the reason
    this bridge is burning... loved this...powerful message right there!

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  9. The cake makes me hungry. We've had our nightly dose of ice cream, guess I'll be okay. I hope the ex-friend doesn't read your blogs? I have more silent readers than write comments. A lot are relatives and friends, even some of my FB friends. My counter left, while working it was about double. I wished you happy birthday, I love having birthdays even though I'm into the BIG numbers.
    A really nice poem, thanks for sharing.
    ..

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    1. Oh I don't care if he does read it. It's factual and if anything understates how much he regularly demanded in time and labor, how over the top his reaction was to my decision not to perform free labor any more, or all the emotional manipulation that happened to keep me doing the labor. I've said it calmly and nicely. If that doesn't get it through his head, nothing will.

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    2. Reread this today, even if we hadn't known of the breakup, this is a GREAT stand alone poem. And yes, I know the relief that comes. Mine was GREAT for the years. Yes, men do cry, I cried for quite a while when I was by myself. Soon after she remarried the guy was a dirty dud and didn't last a year. The third was better but he died after about six years. Her fourth was a keeper, still married for over forty years. It's also a relief when the ex has it good, tells of I still care. Maybe 13 years together fazed that a large bit.
      ..

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    3. Lol, not a break up. My husband and I are doing quite well. This was more of a quasi professional friend who disrespected my time and boundaries.

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  10. So proud of you right now XXX And ALL the people that pass through my life know at their own cost "when Gina says NO she means NO, not maybe, not I'll think about it, just NO!" XXX

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    1. Thank you, Gina. When I told some others the full scope of the situation the overwhelming consensus was that I had been letting this person get away with demanding a lot from me for far too long. A boundary was overdue. As I said above there was no reason to end the friendship as I explained I was fine staying friends, I was just not fine with doing this task and then getting grossly disrespected for it. It was his call. I'm simply honoring his goodbye. I think we're both better off.

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  11. A brilliant message in the poem, I especially like the opening stanza. Keep setting boundaries and cutting away the dead bits! It's called growth. Once again, wishing you all the best on your birthday and always.

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    1. Thank you, Khaya. I hope that your health issues improve too and the doctors can clear away the gall stones so the healing begins for you.

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  12. Maybe it's better this way for both. For a person who don't respect other's boundaries, maybe it's time not to give him/her that space. Perhaps the person can reflect on what may have gone wrong.
    I am guessing some sort of relationship when reading your excellent poem, and I was quite right. :)

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    1. Oh, no absolutely not, lol. I'm quite happily married and not looking to change anything. But I will not do free labor and have my time and effort be disrespected. I have very limited time to get my own projects done to be doing that.

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    2. Perhaps I can rephrase it better. 😄 I was thinking about friends or colleagues.

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    3. LOL, yes a friendship. I don't have time in my very busy life for a friend who regularly makes a lot of time consuming demands and then throws a fit when I try to set a reasonable boundary. I outgrew the in high school.

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    4. oh yes. Boundaries are so important. Sometimes its family, and they use emotional blackmail. And they think a boundary is an affront. Sigh.....

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    5. Yep, their reaction to it speaks volumes.

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